Want to Be Happier? Talk to Strangers

We are taught from a young age to fear the unknown, including strangers. In evolutionary terms, this made sense. To our early ancestors, a stranger represented a potential threat, and in a tribal psychology mindset, overestimating a threat was always safer than underestimating one.

Today meeting strangers is rarely a life or death situation. We don’t need to be terrified by the sight of a boat arriving. But still we have social shields. Observing people on my commute today, the default is to step onto the train, pull out our phones, insert noise-canceling earbuds, and retreat into our private bubbles. We tell ourselves that keeping to ourselves is easier, safer, and more pleasant.

There’s only one problem: we are completely wrong.

In his book The Power of Strangers, journalist Joe Keohane reveals that a raft of new research is finding that talking to strangers can help expand us personally. Opening us to new opportunities, relationships and perspectives. It can alleviate our loneliness, and enhance our sense of belonging to the places where we live.

If we want a happier, richer life, the fastest route might just be striking up a conversation with the person standing right next to us.

Small Talk, Big Impact

We tend to think that deep, meaningful happiness comes exclusively from our inner circle, our family, partner, and closest friends (what researchers call our "strong ties"). While those relationships are undeniably essential, they aren't the only ones driving our daily well-being.

In a series of fascinating studies led by researchers Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn, participants were tracked using a simple system: clicking a red button when they interacted with a strong tie, and a black button when they interacted with a "weak tie"—like a local barista, a neighbour, or a stranger in line. The results were surprising:

 * Unsurprisingly, people who had more interactions with close friends and family felt the happiest overall.

 * More interestingly, people with more "weak tie" interactions were significantly happier and felt a stronger sense of belonging than those who kept to themselves.

 * On any given day, a higher count of these casual, spontaneous interactions directly correlated with a better mood and a greater sense of community connection.

Another study by Gul Gunaydin and colleagues published in the Journal of Happiness Studies surveyed 856 bus commuters in Turkey. They found that those who engaged in at least minimal positive interaction with bus drivers reported more positive mood and life satisfaction, compared to commuters who didn’t talk with the drivers.

For a social species, people are often distinctly unsocial. We assume staying in our shell is comfortable, but science shows that stepping out of it can brighten up our day.

If talking to strangers makes us happier, why do we avoid it like the plague?

Behavioral scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder conducted a classic experiment with 97 commuters in Illinois. They split them into three groups:

 * Group 1 was instructed to make a connection with a stranger on their journey.

 * Group 2 was instructed to sit in quiet isolation and focus on their day ahead.

 * Group 3 was instructed to commute however they normally would.

The outcome was decisive: the commuters who spoke to strangers reported a significantly more positive, enjoyable journey. Conversations averaged over 14 minutes and extroverts and introverts alike all came away with a positive experience of the strangers they spoke to.

So why don't we do this every day? In a follow-up study, researchers asked people to imagine taking part in that exact experiment. Commuters overwhelmingly predicted that talking to a stranger would make their commute significantly worse. Furthermore, participants estimated that fewer than 47% of people would even be willing to talk to them. In actual fact, not a single person in the study was rejected. We consistently overestimate how awkward it will be, and we wildly underestimate how much other people actually want to connect.

The Life Changing Power of Strangers When you look back on your life, it’s remarkable how many major shifts, passions, and lifelong friendships started with a single, unscripted conversation with someone you didn't know. I’ve seen this play out in my own life time and time again:

The class that started my career:

I was walking through Santa Monica, California with my friend when we spotted a girl walking with a yoga mat. As we had both recently started practicing Bikram yoga in Leicester (the only style available in the city at that time), we stopped her to ask which yoga studio she was heading to. She told us it was a drop in donation class just down the road and invited us to join her. It turns out it was taught by a well-known yoga teacher, Ali Owen, who some of the yogi readers may know from Glo. It was an amazing class unlike anything we had experienced. At the end I went and asked Ali what this style was, she said vinyasa. I asked her if she knows if vinyasa is available in England! She smiled and said yes.

When my friend and I got back to England we set about trying to find a vinyasa class. This started a journey for both of us to becoming full-time vinyasa teachers in London.

The start of my Mexico retreats:

After being locked down during the COVID pandemic for two years, I was desperate to escape from London. Mexico had virtually no travel restrictions, so I headed there (along with every digital nomad and conspiracy theory advocate in the world it seemed!). I didn’t just want this trip to be a holiday, I wanted to find somewhere to run a yoga retreat.

One morning whilst staying in a hostel / resort on the beautiful island of Isla Mujeres, I noticed a lady walking from the pier with a yoga mat. As in the previous story, I stopped her to ask her where the yoga class was. She said she was a yoga teacher and had just been doing some self-practice on the pier. It turned out she was in Mexico running yoga retreats. We got on very well and decided to run a retreat on the island together. The retreat went so well that we ran it again the next year. Shea later moved from Mexico to Santander in Spain, so I went to visit her. She then came to visit me in London and we’ll actually be catching up again in London next week!

A week in Heaven!

After completing my Yin training in Kerala, India, I travelled to Goa to a beach studio called Lotus Oasis Yoga where I’d studied for my 200hr TTC. One afternoon I started chatting to a lady who was also sitting in the chill-out area. It turns out she was from England and was visiting Goa to learn how to do Ayurvedic treatments. She needed a subject for her practical assessments and asked if I’d be open to receiving some free treatments! Of course I accepted the offer and had an amazing relaxing week for free!

I could go on with these stories, but I’m sure you get the point. There were many other strangers I spoke with on these trips and nothing came of the interaction. But also nothing bad happened as a result of these conversations. Putting yourself out there is such a low risk way of potentially having life changing experiences. 

How to Break the Ice Without Feeling Awkward

Understanding the science is one thing, but how do we build this muscle in practice?

Writer John Corcoran recently conducted a 21-day experiment to talk to strangers in everyday scenarios. He found that far from feeling awkward, almost every interaction left him feeling happier and wiser, without a single hostile reaction. So now I’m challenging you to run the same experiment! 

To help you out, here are John’s four actionable ways to invite connections into your day:

 1. Put Down Your Devices:  Phones, tablets, and earbuds create a visual "do not disturb" sign. By intentionally leaving your device in your pocket while waiting in line or sitting on public transit, you signal openness, plus you don’t miss the opportunities to connect over something you may witness if only you’d look up from your phone. I remember being on Sugar Loaf Mountain in Rio De Janeiro and spotting an American tourist filming himself walking with two Brazilian prostitutes whilst wearing a leather belt stuffed with various ninja weapons! He definitely didn’t have the cool look he imagined. An Argentinian girl near me noticed him at the same time, we both shared a laugh and started trying to take discreet photos of him! This was 11 years ago, but we are still connected today through social media and chatted a few months back about our different ways to structure the same yoga workshop. If I had been looking down at my phone I’d have missed out on all of this!

 2. Wear a Conversation Starter:  Whether it's an eye-catching jacket, a unique piece of jewelry, or a distinct pin, carrying or wearing something interesting gives others an easy, low-stakes reason to initiate a comment. This tip reminds me of something pick-up artists used to call peacocking, and is not something I would ever do personally, but I’m sure it works. My cute crazy dog is my conversation starter! Dogs are another great way to get strangers wanting to talk to you. But please don’t buy a dog for this reason….

 3. Lead with an Easy Compliment:  Complimenting a stranger’s coat, watch, or dog is the gentlest way to break the ice. It immediately creates positive rapport and opens the door to a broader, deeper conversation. As a Brompton owner I’ll often comment on a fellow rider's bike if they have any interesting customisations.

 4. Seize the Window Immediately:  Hesitation breeds self-doubt. There is usually a brief, fleeting window, like the moment someone sits down next to you before pulling out their phone, where initiating a conversation feels completely natural. Jump on it before the door closes.

Taking the Leap

It’s easy to feel like the world is becoming more divided, but the antidote isn't complex. It starts in line at the coffee shop. It starts on a train platform, or sitting solo at a café, or booking a trip to somewhere new without knowing a single person before you arrive.

Taking a leap into the unknown, whether that’s starting a conversation on a bus or traveling solo to a new corner of the world, can feel daunting. We worry we’ll feel out of place or alone. But time and again, the reality surprises us. On so many occasions, I’ve watched people arrive at one of my yoga retreats entirely on their own, hesitant and uncertain, only to leave a few days later with friends for life, all because they took one small risk to open up to a stranger.

As Joe Keohane says in The Power of Strangers, “If you do it in the right spirit it serves as a balm for many of the problems of the age: it makes you feel better, happier, more connected, less lonely. It helps you think more clearly. It reassures you about the people with whom you share a world at a time of declining trust, and they you.”

And it’s easier than you think.